Divorce...

… is such an ugly word. One would think that after three years of trying to get it done, after years of wanting more in a relationship, that when it finally happens, you’d be happy. It doesn’t quite work that way. The day finally got here, and it wasn’t that happy of an occasion. I could hear the pain I caused at the other end of the phone. The pain I am sorry for causing.
Not just in my ex-wife, but also in my two daughters. Hearing the disappointment in their voices, and seeing it in their eyes, when the man they held up on a pedestal hurt them, was the hardest part. When I said that I had been unhappy for a long time, they took that to mean that I had been unhappy with all of my family life. Nothing could be further from the truth. There were happy times, a lot of them. Most involved family things. The birth of my daughters was indescribable. Watching Aimee get her first hit in a Little League game right after we got her new glasses. Watching Katie catch her first fly ball in left field at practice. Watching Aimee walk across the stage to get her high school diploma, her bachelor’s degree and her Master’s. Looking with surprise at Katie at her senior awards ceremony when she got an award for graduating with a 3.1 gpa. Saluting her as she marched by as she graduated from Air Force basic training, Getting to pin on her wings when she graduated from AWACS school. Walking both down the aisle so they could start their own journeys. Walking around the Smithsonian Museums. Throwing tennis balls at them as they rode their ATCs at my mom and dad’s. Watching them hammer countless nails in the hurricane straps on our house, or pulling cable through the walls. And I’m sure there are things I’m forgetting. I was never unhappy with them. I hope someday that they realize that.
Are there things I could have done to improve my married life? Probably. And I don’t put all the blame on my ex. I’m not the easiest person to live with. But I needed more. That’s why I thought finalizing it would be different. I was wrong. I am ready for the next stage in my life, but that’s the topic for another day. I think I need a beer…or three….